A good friend told me the other day, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” I’m chuckling now, because I am realizing I do that everyday. In fact the cup is cracked, it’s broken, it’s seriously falling apart, but it is determined, determined to pour out what it does not have. This is what made me think of my son. Someone told me they could see in this picture of my son that he was determined. Ok, I’m sitting at Starbucks, but the tears are suddenly pouring like rain. Hopefully noone sees me, because I am finally not trying to repress all of this. I know as painful as this moment is, it is also cathartic.
I never use to repress things. I just realized days ago that I have been repressing. I starting realizing that if I kept busy, if I tried to help others, tried to take on the world, it meant I could focus on something other than my pain. In theory this may sound good, but the truth is, it’s not. It’s not good to not deal with the pain.
Going back to the picture, that day my son had done his hair and even put on some of my bronzer. 😉 Sometimes you gotta fake it to make it! And he sure did that day, so whoever said that he was determined in that picture, you were right. I only see that now, I am starting to remember. He was going on a date. You see Jared was not sick.. Well, I mean that is what he told himself. I never understood that. Why would he try to convince himself he wasn’t sick? His labs were the worst and he always reminded us of this, always with his chest puffed out as if to say, “look at me, I am an overcomer!” I’m serious that was my son. Ok, now I am smiling, I am a proud mama. My son was determined! I guess that is what I respected most about him, his determination.
In the 11 months after the exposure, Jared was determined to resume life, go to school, and even fall in love.. He accomplished all of this. Cute story, mold took everything from us. It broke us, physically, emotionally, and financially. Jared, a musician, had one prize possession a pair of Beatz headphones. He sold them for 18 dollars on craigslist so he could take his girlfriend out. I had no idea till I noticed he wasn’t wearing them. Jared loved with all his heart…Now Ladies, who wouldn’t want a man as amazing as this?
Where am I going with all of this? I am trying to remember… Oh yes, it’s about what Jared wanted, it’s about what Jared experienced. He did not want to live in pain, dwell on his pain, so he repressed. He was determined to live the best years of his life. He often told me he was not going to give in. Yet in this fight we wrestle with a demon. Toxic mold is not something you can just wish away, and it is no indicator of lack of strength if you can’t get well. This illness ties you up, and then beats you, it’s not a fair fight. My son wrestled this demon, and he was determined to win. He was determined to rise above something that, let’s face it was impossible.
Jared and I are alike. I repress the pain too. I am determined to rise above this tragedy, so I push it all aside. It’s how I survive. So, like Jared I keep pouring from this empty cup, because I am pretending it is full. I almost don’t see the cracks. In fact I didn’t even notice them till my cup shattered.
Last night I opened a window to let his spirit in, as I knew my pain was shutting him out.
I said, “Jared, I know I need to go buy a new cup, and then fill it till it runneth over.”
I love you.. I miss you. You are my heart and my soul. You are a very special somebody Jared.